Not One Of Them
by Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley
Summary: songfic. Allan thinks about his betrayal to the outlaws and agrees they should hate him.


**Author's Note: this is a Christmas present to...Mira!**

_Deception  
Disgrace  
Evil as plain as the scar on his face_

You wish he would just hit you. Punch you hard like he did you Will but instead he looks at you with a look of disgust on his face and you feel not only guilty but disgusted, disappointed, revolted with yourself. Robin orders you to leave and never come back to the camp.

And so that's what you do. _  
_

_  
Deception (An outrage!)  
Disgrace (For shame!)  
He asked for trouble the moment he came_

You Join Guy and the Sheriff, not because you want to but because you have no where to go. If you stay in the forest you're most likely going to get yourself killed at the hands of one of your friends...sorry no ex-friends you screwed it up with them. It's not like you can go home either, after all you're an outlaw and you have no initiative or desire to try and start somewhere else.

Mostly because you're under the believe that you're going to screw up again.

So there you are in the castle with Guy and the Sheriff...and the look Marian gives you makes you wish you can curl up and die, preferably in somewhere smelly.

__

Deception (An outrage!)  
(He can't change his stripes)  
Disgrace (For shame!)  
(You know these Outsider types)  
He asked for trouble the moment he came  
(See you later, agitator!)  
Deception (An outrage!)  
(Just leave us alone!)  
Disgrace (For shame!)  
(Traitor, go back with your own!)  
He asked for trouble the moment he came  
(See you later, agitator!)

So it starts. You work for the so called dark side; you sleep in a comfy bed and god that wine looks very tempting. You spend half your nights drinking yourself to a dreamless sleep because if you don't you see Little John roaring in fury as he knocks you out with his staff (which you deserve), you see Will turning away from you in disgust, you hear Much going on how he knew you weren't trustworthy, you see Djaq look at you with heartbroken eyes (though that's only wishful thinking, you know full well that she has eyes only for Will, the lucky bugger) and you see Robin, he always ignores you and when he does look at you...

Death would be a better option than to ever have Robin look at you like that again.

__

Born in grief  
Raised in hate  
Helpless to defy his fate  
Let him run  
Let him live  
But do not forget what we cannot forgive  


It wasn't the first time you had done something like this. Oh no how do you think you ended up in the forest? You did something completely stupid (as usual) and you broke your mother's heart and to escape punishment you ran. You left your brother you behaved like you, remember? He became a conman, trying to convince you to join him and you almost did...but instead you acted the hero, something you were proud off...then you go off and do something stupid.

Running isn't an option anymore.

_  
And he is not one of us  
He has never been one of us  
He is not part of us  
not our kind_

someone once lied to us  
now we're not so blind  
for we knew he would do what he's done  
and we know that he'll never be one of us

You have lied, you have betrayed and when you try to help they don't trust you. Not that you can blame them, right now you can't even trust yourself. But you're leaking out information to Marian, you're protecting her, you're lying for her...that's your good deed for now. And maybe, maybe you can work out a way to get the gang to trust you enough to be their spy.

Guy is after all a bastard and the Sheriff is a dickhead and you miss every single on of your friends.

But you're not one of them anymore...

__

He is not one of us

You miss them, you miss them all, and you miss everything. You miss your lumpy make shift bed, you miss Much's rationed cooking, you miss running from furious nobles, you miss helping the poor and god you miss the forest even if you see it everyday.

__

Deception

Robin was like an older brother, a leader, some you would have followed to the end...now he won't even look at you, let alone lead you.

After all you deceived him, lied to him, betrayed him.

__

Disgrace

Right now all you want is Much to lecture you properly like he used to, the mother hen he is. You want him to say something like 'you disgrace me' or whatever. Much only spits at you when he sees you know.

You just wished he had better aim so he can actually hit your face instead of the wall behind you, after all what did the wall do to Much?

__

Deception

You want Will, your best friend, your brother, your companion. You want him to sit there silently as you go on and on about the injustice of the world to how beautiful the new maid in the castle looks. You want him to make something in front of you, to tell you what it is and how it'll be of use.

Now though...well you think it's more likely for that carving knife to be thrown at you than being used on the wood.

__

Disgrace

Djaq, pretty Djaq, strong Djaq, Will's Djaq. At first you fancied her, well who wouldn't? She was a sexy strong warrior with brains to match; now you see her as a loving sister, someone to joke with, someone who would hold you when you're injured or sick...

Now she hates you and you feel sick...no one to hold you or make you feel better.

Emotionally that is.

_Deception_

Little John glares and growls at you. He's not the father figure that he used to be. He hates you more than the others, you are sure of it.

They used to be family...now they're not.

You used to be one of them...now you're not.

They no longer want you to be one of them.

After all who would want a deceptive, disgraceful little git like you?


End file.
